Thursday, January 7, 2010

Day Four - Brain in Training

I remember sitting in the weekend workshop last fall and hearing Dr. Wilson say, "Getting rid of resistance is one of your biggest goals." Even though we know intellectually that nothing dangerous will happen when anxiety and panic arise - we do know that, don't we? - it's so easy to get caught up in the what if's and feel like, "I can't do exposure today. I feel too anxious. That means something bad will happen. Maybe I should wait for another day".

In This Emotional Life, David Barlow, Ph.D. said something I loved about our thoughts and catastrophic predictions. He said, "Don't believe everything you think!" Even if they're not true, we tend to believe these thoughts because we're the ones thinking them.

Sitting at the computer on day four, I've completed 4 driving practices so far, 1 social practice and relaxation every day. Here's a quick update!

Day two - I woke up feeling anxious, kind of raw and tired. You know those mornings when you just don't feel like going out there and doing the work. I'm having lots of those as I work through this resistance. Pushing myself, I drove the bridge loop again and made it longer, adding another exit with a smaller bridge that used to be my nemesis!

Feeling really anxious before even starting, I found myself both asking the symptoms to increase and hoping them away at the same time. The first loop was pretty good, but here's something interesting. Because I was feeling so raw, I thought during the second loop, "it's ok if I turn on some music to keep my mind a little distracted. I just need it today. It's no big deal."

Well, that small act of adding a crutch sent a message to my brain that this was more dangerous than previously anticipated. I got to the mid-way point, turned around at the exit and boom, big waves of anxiety were pulsing through my body. My automatic thoughts were, "Uh oh. I'm in trouble here. I'm feeling really bad, I've got my child in the car & I'm going to have to call someone to pick us up on the side of the road."

Then, I remembered the truth. In 14 years of dealing with anxiety, nothing bad has ever happened and fighting only makes it worse. Knowing it was the only way to go, I said again out loud, "Hit me. Come on anxiety - come and get me. I'm not even fighting back. I want to feel adrenaline coursing through my body by the time we hit the bridge." I dropped my shoulders again and even put my right hand out, as if to say, "I give". What else was I going to do?

Making my way across the bridge, looking over the water and city skyline, I continued to feel strong physical sensations, like I was buzzing with adrenaline. However, when I dropped my guard, I was able to step back and notice that even though it was uncomfortable, the symptoms weren't getting worse, I was driving very well and everything was alright. I felt like this was good practice, what I need to be doing every day.

At this point, I really should have done a third loop to cement the learning. And, this sounds like an excuse, but my 2 year old was getting a little tired of looking for trucks and birds as we went "Sunday driving". This is one of the challenges of finding ways to fit this work into our daily lives.

I tell you what . . . this feels like I'm training for a marathon some days. We are biologically wired to protect ourselves from these feelings, even if they are irrational. Dropping the resistance and choosing to feel it all is exhausting work. When I did my first triathlon, I competed while wearing my "Team in Training" singlet. I think those of us out there doing exposure work should be wearing a team shirt that says, "Brain in Training"!

If you're joining me for 30 days of exposure, here's a great read (very short) about how to know if you're succeeding. I know that I'm not doing all these things regularly, but it's a good reminder of where to set our compass.


Sschraed said...

Loving are describing me. I"m not doing the exposure to the point you are but have problems just leaving work and driving the 10 min to pick up my daughter at preschool. I always call someone to keep me distracted but I started yoga this week and try not to call on the ride and I am listening to the POWER OF NOW by Eckart Tolle and I want to get over this. I have been dealing with it as long as you and am so SICK of it. You are an inspiration. Keep up the hard work!
:) Sara

Sschraed said...

Love are talking about me! I am not doing the exposure thing like you are but am taking positive steps. I have a hard time with the driving too..i usually talk on the phone when I leave my job and drive 10 min to pick up my daughter at preschool. I have been trying not to talk on the phone and listening to the POWER OF NOW by Eckart Tolle in the car instead. I also started yoga I think is very helpful. I have been dealing with this way too long and am sooo tired of it. YOu are an inspiration! Keep it up! :) Sara

Sschraed said...

Whoops..i thought the first one didn't take. :) sorry about that!

Nikole said...

I am so, so proud of you. Each step is making you stronger. How amazing that you are letting your girls witness you experiencing this very real part of life. So much love to you.

Anxiety Girl said...

Hi Sara! I enjoyed your comment both times! :) I'm glad you found your way here & hope the posts help! I can totally relate to wanting something to do while driving to distract myself, help me feel safe. I used to call my husband before driving just so someone knew I was on the road. I'd have the music playing and sometimes even called him during the exposure if I felt too anxious. It took me a long time to realize that, for me, it eventually made it worse. It sounds like you're already trying to drop the crutches while you make that 10 minute drive & that's fantastic!! I wonder if you tried calling someone, but only staying on the phone for 8 minutes (or listening to the CD for a set time) - because, even if you feel bad, you can handle 2 minutes. Then, you go at your own pace and slowly drop the crutches until you're doing the whole drive. Let me know how it goes! :)

Anxiety Girl said...

Hey Nikole! Thanks! I know that anxiety is in my family and we all learn more with each generation. So, I really hope this helps my girls if they should be super sensitive & prone to anxiety.