Home again

I'm just getting settled back in after being away for two weeks. My Mom and Step-Dad live by the water and we had the chance to house sit for them while they adventured off to Alaska. It was so nice to be away and long enough that I was excited as we drove back into our cozy, little neighborhood this past weekend. One of these days, we'll have enough money to fly our family of five somewhere exotic, but for now, house sitting in a beautiful location was just what we all needed.

As I was getting our kitchen back in order the other night, I found myself needing to take frequent breaks and pop into some favorite blogs. (Speaking of distraction - this is fabulous ice cream and you can sub 1 tsp vanilla extract for the vanilla bean.) I also found this wonderful video by Brene Brown. I was so touched by her talk and am still processing what she had to say. Enjoy and I'd love to hear what you think.

Watch live streaming video from tedxkc at livestream.com

Musings on a cure

I've been thinking about Meredith's comment from a few weeks ago. She and I have talked back and forth about that stubborn, last little bit of anxiety that doesn't want to go away and looking for a cure that doesn't seem to exist.

I'm realizing and working on growing more comfortable with the fact that I may experience more anxiety than I would like to in my lifetime. This will probably be my challenge until I'm an old lady; that there may be no cure, but there is freedom in living a big life not run by fear and avoidance. There is also freedom in accepting all of our emotional states. Later in life, Dr. Claire Weekes was asked if she still experienced anxiety and panic and she responded, 'yes, but so what!'

My deep learning continues to be the lessons of showing up, experience and compassion. Every time I dread and anticipate an event - certain that I'll go crazy and make a fool of myself - and show up anyways, I get stronger. Every time I allow myself to feel anxious and not demand that it goes away, it feels a little more manageable. And, every time I am compassionate with myself when I do go down that anxiety rabbit hole and not make it such a big deal in my head, I worry less about having this thing forever.

So, a cure for anxiety and panic? Perhaps not. But freedom is certainly available in every choice we make.

*For further reading, check out Aimee's post on recovering from social anxiety.

My Treatment Resume

Subtitles: No wonder more people don’t seek out help when they need it; and, What’s up with all the counselors pushing medication?

*Almost done with graduate school, having fun doing exploratory work in counseling (recommended for social workers) & I have my first panic attack driving on the highway in Colorado. Grad school counselor sends me to campus doctor to get a prescription for xanax. Doctor says to take it before driving (label says “don’t operate heavy machinery after using”) & to give up caffeine. Counseling stops with the end of school with the message, “you’ll be fine”.

*6 months later I receive a six week sample pack of Prozac. I take it for six weeks and then stop because of the side effects.

*About a year later, I try again & seek out an anxiety center in my area. The shrink is very nice, we have a great rapport, but he doesn’t really do counseling. He does a thorough social history, establishes that I have excellent memory skills in repeating number sequences and sends me on my way with one month worth of Paxil samples. He, too, offers me xanax & this time I say no thanks. As I’m leaving, he tells me that once I beat my anxiety, I should come back and talk to him about a counseling job. I take Paxil for one month and then stop because of the side effects &, really, this isn’t helping.

*A co-worker recommends her counselor. He says that I just need to relax & have a little fun, lighten up a bit. I say, “I have a great, happy life except for anxiety, which is a pain in the ass”. We try EMDR. I try to help the process along and bring my own treatment plans and info that I’ve gleaned from reading. After a few more sessions & more “relax more & just do yoga” messages, I know that this is not what’s going to help & give up on counseling for a while.

*After having my first two babies, I’m ready to try again. Anxiety doesn’t own me, but I’m not driving on the highway much. I still remember what it felt like before anxiety infringed on my territory and I want it gone. I find more resources & begin reading everything I can find on the subject of “how can I get over this”. I begin exposure work on my own & make progress “taking back the roads”. I set up an appointment with a recommended counselor & it’s not a great fit. I go three times & keep looking.

*Second try: nice lady, a little rough around the edges, but she goes out in the field with clients & I like her spunk. I tell her that I don’t want to do meds, but she says that if I go on celexa for 2 years & do behavioral work at the same time that my anxiety will be gone. I try it, but don’t like it. I switch to Zoloft & stay on it for about 6 mos. We drive a number of bridges and highway stretches together. She’s got the behavioral piece down. I say that I’d like to work on the cognitive piece, that in some places on the highway, I’m still feeling really anxious & there must be something I can be doing differently. She says, I’m not sure why the exposure isn’t working for you, keep trying & the anxiety will go away. We part ways & I keep working on my own.

*Third try: I contact a psychologist friend of mine & say, Look this time I really need to find someone who’s an EXPERT on this anxiety stuff, won’t push meds & is up on the current research. I find Dr. C. who is fantastic & I really like, but still encourages I try meds. She’s worked in anxiety for years & has trained most of the area clinicians in CBT. I go on Lexapro & do a lot of great work with her. She says that I’m a dream client, that no one works as hard as I do and that it’s part biology & that I really need to work on acceptance. “I know you don’t want anxiety, but you got it. You have to accept what is.” True, acceptance is important, but I’m still feeling like with all the work I’m doing, I’m still missing an important piece. After monthly visits for a year, I feel done for the time being.

*I go off Lexapro during my 3rd pregnancy, experience big waves of panic in my third trimester and it comes back with a vengeance at about 12 -14 weeks postpartum. I go back for 2 or 3 “booster sessions” with Dr. C. and go back on Lexapro (after getting the green light from my midwife & an international breastfeeding expert). Things get better slowly. I come out of hiding and begin telling everyone. This helps tremendously & others begin sharing their stories. I’m dying for community. I start up a workbook study group (with some very cool, fellow anxiety super heroes) that meets inconsistently for a couple of months & fizzles out.

*Currently – I’m “off the junk” & not seeing a counselor. I don’t have anxiety mastered as much as I would like, but I'm realizing that what I was missing was not just the acceptance, but inviting & provoking the symptoms and, yes, acceptance. Good practice means doing something that guarantees that I'll feel anxious. I wish I could transport Dave Carbonell, Reid Wilson or David Burns to my hometown so that I could work with an anxiety guru and kick this thing once and for all (well, at least feel stronger in my skills and ready for the expected ups & downs).

Looking back over all the steps it’s taken to get good treatment, I see why so many people can live with this disorder much of their lives and never learn to beat it. Access to good information, counseling & community (plus a big dose of tenacity) makes a huge difference. When I get to be an anxiety master, I am going to open my own clinic & help offer others a more efficient path. More about that later!

Existential angst:

I’ve always had a fear of death. I can remember trying to fall asleep at night as a little girl and thinking about how I was going to die some day. The fear would rise to such intensity that I would race down the stairs at full speed and jump into my mother’s arms. “Oh sweetie. Most people don’t die until they’re very, very old and that’s a long time from now. It’s ok.” We would talk about God and heaven for a while. She would hold me and I’d watch a little TV or read a book with her until I was settled down. Then, I’d get tucked into my bed again for a good night’s sleep.

I think anxiety, for some, has to do with these questions of “Why are we here? What’s the meaning of life? Where’s God? Why do people have to die? What happens next?”

Sometimes I’ll be gazing up at the sky or simply going about my day and thoughts will come in like a Fox TV newstream, “You might want to sit down for this one folks. . .This just in. . .We live on a planet. . .you know, one that’s spinning & traveling through space. . . and did you know that outer space is just beyond our atmosphere. . .and, here’s the kicker people, we’re all gonna die someday!” When we’re fully aware of this amazing existence of ours, it can take you back a bit.

Sometimes, I have to remember that these repetitive thoughts are simply symptoms of anxiety (where content has little meaning). When that happens, I start going down the “AWARE” list.

But, other times it’s a reminder to dig deeper. A reminder to have gratitude for life and the love around me. A reminder that the spiritual task of anxiety calls for us to have faith in something we cannot see and to surrender in the face of it’s awesome mystery.