I remember sitting on the kitchen floor talking with my husband and brother, who was visiting from out of town, when "Uptight (everything's alright) came on with that amazing horn section. It was like something switched on in my body & I couldn't help but get up and dance.
I had pretty normal postpartums with my other children. So, I was surprised when postpartum was harder after my third baby - especially since she was a dream child. I felt overwhelmed and in my head way too much. I experienced my first ever bout of depression and my anxiety skyrocketed. For about a month I cried a lot, had panic attacks at night and wondered when I would feel like myself again. Feeling connected to my kids was never an issue - if anything, I felt like a Mama Bear, hypervigilant & wanting fiercely to protect my young. But I worried about what was happening to me. I worried about the kind of world I had brought them into. And, I wanted an off switch for my brain. The harder I tried to think my way out of this funk and sleep deprivation, the worse it got.
Dancing with Stevie became a family affair & helped get me out of my head & into my body. Many mornings, I'd set the alarm clock to wake us up to this music. At 7 o'clock the horns would begin, and even if I woke up feeling off, my legs would start twitching to move and I would get myself up to dance. Slowly the other sleepy heads who had made their way into our bed in the wee hours would begin dancing, too, and it was a party. My 6 yr. old always wanted to hear Signed Sealed Delivered & we would shout out the lyrics as we swung around the room.
As I look back on that time, now, I still remember how scary that unfamiliar emotional terrain felt. But, there were also many gifts in the challenge. Times that take you to your knees can be catalysts for opening, positive change, and surrender. Each child, it seems, helps loosen our grip on control and frees us to live more fully in the moment. And, I'll always have fond memories of all of us dancing like crazy - the morning sun reaching in, touching us all with its golden light, inviting us to reach for higher ground.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Self Care
It feels like, for years, I've been saying, "This is the week I'm going to start going to bed at 10pm - no matter what's still left on my To Do list. I'm going to exercise every day. And, I'm going to watch my sugar intake." (Well, truth be told, I usually say, "And, I'm not going to eat sugar this week!" But let's not get carried away.) I have a strong suspicion that doing these things will make me feel good, increase my energy, & decrease my overall anxiety, but for some reason, I find myself up at all hours trying to fit more hours into the day.
So, will you join me in taking better care of yourself this week? I'm not sure what that looks like for you, but I'm going to stick to my daily walks & weights, go to bed by 10pm & stay away from desserts as much as possible.
Let me know how your week goes & what's working for you! NEXT week is: do at least one thing everyday that scares you. I invite you to start thinking about what those 7 days might look like!
So, will you join me in taking better care of yourself this week? I'm not sure what that looks like for you, but I'm going to stick to my daily walks & weights, go to bed by 10pm & stay away from desserts as much as possible.
Let me know how your week goes & what's working for you! NEXT week is: do at least one thing everyday that scares you. I invite you to start thinking about what those 7 days might look like!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Unstuck
I love finding a great, new resource book. And, just as much, I love being able to share one with others.
Maybe you've heard of this one already, but it's called, "Unstuck: Your Guide to the Seven-Stage Journey Out of Depression" by James S. Gordon, M.D. I've only just begun to make my way through it, but can tell already that it's a gem even for those of us who don't lean toward depression.
Dr. Gordon states that depression is not pathology, but a wake up call that your life is out of balance. This wake up call offers you the opportunity to make the classic heroes journey, which he guides you through using a holistic and integrative approach. He reminds the reader that at the crux of crisis are the Chinese characters representing danger and opportunity. Meditation, exercise, guided imagery, spirituality, movement (dance, yoga), & eastern medicine are just a few of the tools you'll find in this guidebook along with practical exercises to integrate them into your life.
Unstuck appears to be a book not just for those struggling with depression, but for anyone feeling stuck in their lives and wanting to find greater fulfillment. I picked my copy up at the library -- Let me know what you think!
Maybe you've heard of this one already, but it's called, "Unstuck: Your Guide to the Seven-Stage Journey Out of Depression" by James S. Gordon, M.D. I've only just begun to make my way through it, but can tell already that it's a gem even for those of us who don't lean toward depression.
Dr. Gordon states that depression is not pathology, but a wake up call that your life is out of balance. This wake up call offers you the opportunity to make the classic heroes journey, which he guides you through using a holistic and integrative approach. He reminds the reader that at the crux of crisis are the Chinese characters representing danger and opportunity. Meditation, exercise, guided imagery, spirituality, movement (dance, yoga), & eastern medicine are just a few of the tools you'll find in this guidebook along with practical exercises to integrate them into your life.
Unstuck appears to be a book not just for those struggling with depression, but for anyone feeling stuck in their lives and wanting to find greater fulfillment. I picked my copy up at the library -- Let me know what you think!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Door Number Three
Sometimes I start to feel anxious in new situations & wonder, “How did this start?” I wasn’t anxious about this place before.” It’s like, “And behind door number 3 is . . . Social Anxiety! Had you chosen door number 5, you COULD have gotten this fabulous vacation along with the added bonus of OCD!”
When this starts to happen, it’s easy to think, “Why me? It’ll never get better. Just as it gets easier in one arena, something else comes up”. But, this can be a good opportunity to work at the core question, “What can fear REALLY do to me?”
Can it give me a heart attack? Make me faint? Cause me to go crazy?
Of course, the rational answer is always no. But, until I know the answer 150% in my core and through hard earned experience, I’ll continue to have anxiety & get tricked into always trying to protect myself from something “bad” happening, whatever that is.
It’s nice to imagine Bob Barker asking me what door I’d like to choose in the future & I’ll say, “It doesn’t matter – they're all the same to me."
When this starts to happen, it’s easy to think, “Why me? It’ll never get better. Just as it gets easier in one arena, something else comes up”. But, this can be a good opportunity to work at the core question, “What can fear REALLY do to me?”
Can it give me a heart attack? Make me faint? Cause me to go crazy?
Of course, the rational answer is always no. But, until I know the answer 150% in my core and through hard earned experience, I’ll continue to have anxiety & get tricked into always trying to protect myself from something “bad” happening, whatever that is.
It’s nice to imagine Bob Barker asking me what door I’d like to choose in the future & I’ll say, “It doesn’t matter – they're all the same to me."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Living an Exposure Lifestyle
One afternoon I was talking to my friend Michael who co-directs a university anxiety clinic. We had gotten our families together to go down to the river, jump around on the rocks and enjoy a beautiful day together. To get to the river and rock jumping, however, we had to walk over a suspension bridge. To say that I don't like crossing this bridge by foot or any other form of transportation, would be an understatement. I see people casually riding their bikes over the bridge, walking dogs and allowing children to peer over the railing and shudder. It feels like it's a good football field above the water and is suspended under a canopy of concrete highway.
"Oh man, I did NOT like that crazy bridge. But, if I don't walk over it now & then, it gets harder, so I gotta do it."
“That’s good exposure lifestyle, Kristin,” Michael said.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“Exposure lifestyle. . .My colleague & I tell people that once they’ve graduated from therapy, it’s important to go on living an exposure lifestyle . . .purposefully doing things that make them feel anxious in their daily life so that anxiety doesn’t get the upper hand.”
“That’s fantastic!” I responded, getting excited. “That should be everyone’s mantra. What a great phrase! Living an exposure lifestyle.”
I've thought of that clever term often as I approach situations in my daily life that make me wonder, "Will I get anxious here?". It's a new addition to my coping cards along with some of my favorites "Stir up trouble for yourself"; "Is this Discomfort or Danger"; and one I got from my sister-in-law "Don't live a small life".
How do you live an exposure lifestyle & not allow anxiety to limit you? Are there ways that you incorporate “exposure & practice” into your daily life? -- Times when you take the elevator just because it’s good for you to do so; volunteer to present at a meeting even though you’re afraid; take the highway, even when no one would know if you took the back roads? I look forward to hearing from you!
"Oh man, I did NOT like that crazy bridge. But, if I don't walk over it now & then, it gets harder, so I gotta do it."
“That’s good exposure lifestyle, Kristin,” Michael said.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“Exposure lifestyle. . .My colleague & I tell people that once they’ve graduated from therapy, it’s important to go on living an exposure lifestyle . . .purposefully doing things that make them feel anxious in their daily life so that anxiety doesn’t get the upper hand.”
“That’s fantastic!” I responded, getting excited. “That should be everyone’s mantra. What a great phrase! Living an exposure lifestyle.”
I've thought of that clever term often as I approach situations in my daily life that make me wonder, "Will I get anxious here?". It's a new addition to my coping cards along with some of my favorites "Stir up trouble for yourself"; "Is this Discomfort or Danger"; and one I got from my sister-in-law "Don't live a small life".
How do you live an exposure lifestyle & not allow anxiety to limit you? Are there ways that you incorporate “exposure & practice” into your daily life? -- Times when you take the elevator just because it’s good for you to do so; volunteer to present at a meeting even though you’re afraid; take the highway, even when no one would know if you took the back roads? I look forward to hearing from you!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
A Trip to the Zoo
“This bridge freaks me out, Mama,” says my 6 year old as we get ready to enter the National Zoo.
“I know baby. Sometimes I get nervous on bridges, too. What’s going on?” I ask.
“It makes my legs feel funny. It feels like we’re high up in the trees and the water is so far below,” she explains.
“You know what’s cool about that? I ask, getting her attention, “Your body is real smart & that’s your body’s way of asking - Is this safe?
And, what’s cool is that you can look around, make sure you’re safe & give your body an answer.
So, what’s the answer? Are you safe?”
My big girl looks at me, and then all around. “Yeah, but I still feel funny.”
“Let’s look at the bridge,” I suggest. “Hmm - looks strong – lots of people are on it – cars, too.
Let’s check the railing (we try to shake it). Nice and sturdy.
What can we tell our body now?”
“It’s ok body. I’m safe,” she tells herself out loud, smiling.
“That’s right & that funny feeling in your legs & tummy will slowly go away. Maybe it has already. And, if it doesn’t for a while, that’s ok too.”
“It’s gone already,” she tells me.
“Alright, baby. Let’s go to the zoo!”
“Yeah! I want to go see the monkeys!”
“I know baby. Sometimes I get nervous on bridges, too. What’s going on?” I ask.
“It makes my legs feel funny. It feels like we’re high up in the trees and the water is so far below,” she explains.
“You know what’s cool about that? I ask, getting her attention, “Your body is real smart & that’s your body’s way of asking - Is this safe?
And, what’s cool is that you can look around, make sure you’re safe & give your body an answer.
So, what’s the answer? Are you safe?”
My big girl looks at me, and then all around. “Yeah, but I still feel funny.”
“Let’s look at the bridge,” I suggest. “Hmm - looks strong – lots of people are on it – cars, too.
Let’s check the railing (we try to shake it). Nice and sturdy.
What can we tell our body now?”
“It’s ok body. I’m safe,” she tells herself out loud, smiling.
“That’s right & that funny feeling in your legs & tummy will slowly go away. Maybe it has already. And, if it doesn’t for a while, that’s ok too.”
“It’s gone already,” she tells me.
“Alright, baby. Let’s go to the zoo!”
“Yeah! I want to go see the monkeys!”
Monday, August 18, 2008
Tunnel Vision
We were on vacation at the beach last week & I wanted to share a moment from the journey.
To get to the beach, our route takes us over a handful of bridges and a tunnel that goes underwater. I could have easily gotten my husband to drive, but I knew that I needed to "stir up trouble" for myself & this was a good opportunity to do so. "You driving today?" he asked. "Yeah" I responded & smiled, "No problem." Of course, it's easy to be brave when the offending bridges & tunnel are not in view.
As we approached the bridge/tunnel/bridge area, I started questioning why I was doing this, when a perfectly good, non-anxious driver was sitting next to me. I had to keep reminding myself to invite the symptoms - to try & make them stronger - to ask them to stay around - because, all of a sudden, I really didn't want to be driving & thought, 'Make them stronger? Are you crazy?'
As I descended into the tunnel, I started wondering how strong the walls were & musing about how this is really an unnatural thing to do - driving underwater and such. Before I knew it, the visual images were rolling in of water crashing in all around us as the light from the exit faded into darkness & I wanted to slam down the gas pedal and get out of there quick!
My 8 year old daughter must have known that I needed a reminder to invite in more sensation. Just as we were about half way through, she chimed in and asked, "Do these tunnels ever flood? What would happen if they did? Would we all drown?" My husband & I smiled at each other & her impeccable timing. We told her that, yes, it would be bad if the tunnel flooded, but that it was built to be extremely strong. And, besides, there are people whose only job is to check it's safety all the time. And, isn't it cool that someone came up with the idea to make a tunnel that goes under the water & boats can travel over? (More sensation thinking about being underneath a boat).
I drove us safely into the light and, after that, the bridges didn't phase me that much. We had a fun week in a beach house with 17 people & I decided that it was alright to take the passenger seat on the way home.
To get to the beach, our route takes us over a handful of bridges and a tunnel that goes underwater. I could have easily gotten my husband to drive, but I knew that I needed to "stir up trouble" for myself & this was a good opportunity to do so. "You driving today?" he asked. "Yeah" I responded & smiled, "No problem." Of course, it's easy to be brave when the offending bridges & tunnel are not in view.
As we approached the bridge/tunnel/bridge area, I started questioning why I was doing this, when a perfectly good, non-anxious driver was sitting next to me. I had to keep reminding myself to invite the symptoms - to try & make them stronger - to ask them to stay around - because, all of a sudden, I really didn't want to be driving & thought, 'Make them stronger? Are you crazy?'
As I descended into the tunnel, I started wondering how strong the walls were & musing about how this is really an unnatural thing to do - driving underwater and such. Before I knew it, the visual images were rolling in of water crashing in all around us as the light from the exit faded into darkness & I wanted to slam down the gas pedal and get out of there quick!
My 8 year old daughter must have known that I needed a reminder to invite in more sensation. Just as we were about half way through, she chimed in and asked, "Do these tunnels ever flood? What would happen if they did? Would we all drown?" My husband & I smiled at each other & her impeccable timing. We told her that, yes, it would be bad if the tunnel flooded, but that it was built to be extremely strong. And, besides, there are people whose only job is to check it's safety all the time. And, isn't it cool that someone came up with the idea to make a tunnel that goes under the water & boats can travel over? (More sensation thinking about being underneath a boat).
I drove us safely into the light and, after that, the bridges didn't phase me that much. We had a fun week in a beach house with 17 people & I decided that it was alright to take the passenger seat on the way home.
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